SHAKESPEARE WAS A PLAYER

The true identity of the writer of the plays and sonnets attributed to ‘William Shakespeare’ has been hotly contested in academic circles since the publication of the ‘First Folio’, largely because you could fit the scant hard historical evidence about the man from Stratford on a Post-it note. Many (including myself) believe the best candidate to be Edward DeVere, 17th Earl of Oxford.

Whoever wrote the plays, a recent ‘find’ has proved beyond doubt that ‘Shakespeare’ was a Jazz musician, probably a tenor player. Many have raised the objection that the tenor saxophone had not been invented in the 16^th century, but they ignore the fact that, as Shakespeare himself wrote, “There are more tunes on heaven and earth than are jammed on in your studio.”

A scrap of paper signed “Willie The Shake” found under the rubble of a building site in Hackney contains an unrevised early sketch of Hamlet’s speech to the players (Act 3, Scene 2):

“Hamlet: Play the lick, I pray you, like I phrased it, with trippy tounging; if you drag it like Kenneth G, forget it ! Nor do not wave the horn around, feigning soulfulness, for in the very torrent, tempest and, like, whirlwind of your passion, cool it, so the riff is smooth. Man, it burns me to see some overdressed, no-playn’ freak dancin’ around, coppin’ acres of foldin’ green for a noisy dumb-ass show, when solid cats are starvin’ !

1st Player: Yeah, man.

Hamlet: Now don’t be too tame neither, but let discretion be your tutor. Suit the phrasing to the lick, the lick to the phrasing; be natural, ‘cause the whole purpose of playing is, as ‘twere, to hold a mirror up to nature; to personify hipness and show other cats what’s happenin’. Now, you overdo it and you blow it and it messes up your embouchure an' your tone sucks ! Sure, some empty-suits will dig it, but who cares what they think ?

Oh, there be jive-ass players I’ve seen play - and heard others praise, and that highly - that don’t know standards and can’t play funk; all they think about is money !

1st Player: I hope we don’t do too much of that!

Hamlet: Don’t do any of it! And don’t let none of you clowns take too many choruses! You’ll be the only ones digging it while the audience falls asleep and forgets what tune you were playing in the first place!

Now where’s that Ophelia chick singer? We’ got some ‘rehearsing’ to do!”